I wish...

Michael's birthday is coming up.  The birthday that by all accounts, could be his last.  I wish I could say I'm not angry and scared. I wish I could say that I am handling it well but I'm just not.  I wish I could say that I'm not taking out my anger, fear and frustration on the people that love me the most and just want to support me through this. I wish he didn't blow a 27% on his pfts yesterday and he wasn't laying in a hospital bed away from home tonight.  I wish he wasn't dropping his sats and needing oxygen support.  I wish none of this was happening and I could just wake up and have it all be a horrible nightmare.  I wish it didn't hit me so hard when he makes an innocent statement of what he wants to be when he grows up.  I wish I could take him in my arms, protect him and keep him safe.  I wish it was as simple as when he was little and a kiss could take away the boo boo and make things all better. I wish I didn't have to worry about what our life will be like once he gets a transplant.  I wish I didn't have to worry if I'm making the right decisions for him.  I wish I could stop time and his disease from advancing.  I wish I could trust God with all of this.  I'm trying.  I really, really am.  I wish no parent had to go through this, EVER.  I wish I could trade places and take it all away from him.  I wish there was a cure.  Most of all, I wish I didn't have to imagine what my world would be like without my little boy in it. SO many things, I wish...